With Child
A Diary of Motherhood

by Phyllis Chesler
Seal Press. 304 pp.

Reviewed by Polly Paddock
The Charlotte Observer
February 3, 1980

http://www.phyllis-chesler.com/462/with-child

Anyone who's made it through the first year of motherhood, I'd wager, can identify with:

• The utter, unrestrained joy of seeing your new child for the first time. "Oh, baby. Washed up on shore so naked. Come, flop onto my warm belly beach. Come, creep into the crook of my arm-tree…Eye to eye, soul to soul. Come say hello to your new-born mother.")
• The unsettling feeling that no one else really understands what the first few months are like. "I feel an imposter…with no one comprehending…Doesn't' anyone see how different I am?)
• The dismaying sense that a mother and child are an unwanted intruder in most public places; only new mothers can fully appreciate the almost total lack of diaper-changing tables in public restrooms. ("Are mothers and children supposed to remain indoors, invisible?")
• The growing conviction that family, changing seasons and life's little rituals are what really matter. ("Am I grown provincial, tribal, with child? I think so…")

That's the beauty of With Child, Phyllis Chesler's diary of her pregnancy, child birth and first year as a mother is a frank (and often painfully so) account of some very basic human feelings. Many are feelings people don't talk about much. But Chesler makes a persuasive case for us all to do so – especially now, when the rules of the game are changing so.

Chesler should know. A well-known feminist author (Women and Madness), she had her first child at 37. Motherhood shakes some of her earlier stances (notably, that women must rid themselves of the mothering roles thrust upon them by men). But she is firm in her conviction that society must recognize and adapt to the new – and old – realities of having children. Listen:

"To become a mother is to pen the gates of your womb to admit life – and death – into the world. It is so significant an act, it is devalued. Falsely flattered. Lied about. Lived alone."

And:

"Why is everybody so quiet about this? Why don't the headlines scream 'Child Care Emergency' daily?...Ten million new parents, each alone. It's crazy."

I know. In the 16 months since I have given birth to my daughter, Laura, I've been doing a lot of thinking about all this, too.

As I plunged headlong into With Child, dog-earing about every third page, I was exhilarated to find so many of my muddled feelings coming clear. Chesler knew. She really understood: that motherhood is as terrifying as it is thrilling, that it enriches enormously yet imposes staggering limitations, that it calls everything – identity, values, relationships – into question.

It's not that Chesler is a particularly typical new mother: her circumstances, at least, are far better than most. She has a well-established career, a husband who does more than half of the child-tending, resources that at various times include a baby nurse, housekeeper and babysitters.

But she feels what we all feel, I think – and expresses it beautifully. With stunning clarity, Chesler describes the deep and mysterious bond between mother and child, the subtle changes that occur between man and woman transformed into mother and father, the often conflicting demands of home and workplace.

Finally, she deals with a tough new issue: the growing number of couples who choose not to become parents, and their relationships with those who do.

Early on, Chesler sounds uncomfortable about the issue: "How dare any woman influence, too powerfully, any other woman in her decision to have or not have a child?"

But in the end she cannot avoid confronting the huge gap she finds between herself as a parent and her friends who've chosen a different life. "People without children move too fast, overturn too much, care too little about conserving life," Chesler decides.

I'm uncomfortable with the judgmental tone – but I think I agree. I wish some of the nonparents I know would read With Child. It may not change any minds, and perhaps it shouldn't. But the question of whether to have children may well be the most fundamental one there is – and it deserves the kind of painstaking thought Chesler gives it.

Related Topics:  Feminism, Gender, Psychology & Law, Motherhood & Custody receive the latest by email: subscribe to phyllis chesler's free mailing list